Untitled

Mom died. She died the day after my last post here. It's taken me this long to say it, though.

The first few weeks afterwards, I thought, would be the hardest. But there was so much to do; in the minutes and hours and days immediately following her dying, there was the visitation and funeral to plan, and oh, I don't even know what I did during those days... they're all a whirlwind now. And of course there was Dad to contend with. Poor Dad. He's totally lost without her. He put up a bold front those last months, but his own Alzheimers was beginning to have an impact.

There, in her room at the nursing home, waiting for the Coroner to come and take her away, I stood with Dad. Neither of us could sit... there was a nervous energy in us. Dad looked at me as I looked at mom. "Well, I suppose we better start getting me moved back to Omaha."

"We will Dad, but don't you think we should wait a little while, until things have calmed down."

"You're probably right."

The Coroner came, as did a police officer (purely procedural). Mom was taken away.

"I suppose we should start getting me packed up to move back to Omaha."

"Yeah, Dad, you're right. But let's get some of the other things we have to do taken care of first."

"What things?"

"There's the funeral to plan, Dad. And the boys and their wives are flying in..."

So we headed over to the Mortuary, as I called Dad's twin brother. He joined us at the Mortuary.

The director stepped out to get us coffee almost as soon as we sat down. Dad turned to Uncle.

"I think we need to get over to my apartment and get me packed. I need to move back to Omaha now."

"Why don't you come stay with me for a couple of days, Lou?"

Dad agreed.

But Monday, the day of the visitation, we'd all caved in... my brothers and I and our spouses met at Dad's apartment, packed him up, threw his stuff our vans and our cars, and moved Dad over to Omaha. Then dashed back to our homes and hotel rooms to get showered and changed so we could get to the mortuary for the visitation... it wouldn't do to be late!

Those weeks were the easy ones, I now see.

For now the depression sinks in. Now I face the darkness. It was settling in months before Mom died, I just didn't see it. I thought I was tired. It wasn't until two months after Mom's death that it dawned on me, that I was able to put my finger on it.

For too damned close to fifty years, I have known the presence of The Divine. There has never been a time when I didn't feel, didn't know The Divine presence. And that presence helped sustain me.

Well, actually, I should say until now, there has never been a time. Because, now is that time. Now, I sense only darkness around me.

Anyhow, that's where I am right now.