My Journey Continues

I've noticed something recently.  I was remembering a back-packing trip I took ages ago, alone, into the high country near Estes Park, Colorado.  I remember the sense of awe and majesty I had with every change of the trail.  I remember also that I felt far more alone than I had expected to.  By that I mean, I was SEEKING solitude.  I wanted to be alone.  I thought it would a good experience.  Instead, I found that being alone in this situation meant not having anyone to share the awesome beauty with.  In fact, that loneliness caused me to do something I really regretted in later years.  I turned back.  I didn't finish my goal.  I allowed myself to listen to my own doubts and fears.  I wish I had.

 

But at one point on the trail, I encountered a couple of men, a man and his son, actually.  We were at a particularly rough part of the trail, and we helped each other up and over that spot.  Not much to it, really.  But remembering that, caused me to remember something from other hikes I've been on.  I remembered how when the trail was rough, and not easy to get over, folks, total strangers, tend to pull together.  At least I think that has been my experience when the overall endeavor was one of choice, as most hiking trails are.

 

I was thinking about that as I was pushing 70 on the interstate between my home and the office this morning (yes, in a 60 zone, so sue me.)  On the freeway, these days, it seems to be rare to see folks helping each other.  A turn signal frequently means someone will speed up to prevent  you from getting in front of them.  Breaking because one is going to fast means the person behind will pull up on your bumper expecting you to move.  In short, Interstate driving, as experienced in our society today, is pretty much every person for themselves... dog eat dog... that kind of thing.

 

And THAT realization, coupled with the memories - oh so pleasant memories - brought to mind another contemplation.  Albeit, a short one.  It's all the focus my brain can muster... short contemplations.

 

When the trails we walk on our journeys through life are hard and narrow, it seems to me to be easy to reach out to those around to lend a helping hand, and to be willing to grasp the proffered hand of another.

 

But when our journeys flatten out on to the freeways of life, as they often do, we tend to think a little less of those around us... it's just us and the highway, getting us to a place we've never been, but can't wait to reach.

 

When I consider that, it makes me glad the interstate is about to end, and I look forward, once again, to the travails of the thorny path on which my journey soon will... okay MAY... lead me.

 

And what's more, it's on those narrow, thorny paths that OTHER finds us most open to listen, more willing to reach out for help; more willing to accept.

Busy, busy, busy

It sure has been a long time since last I wrote. I'm not sure why that is. I think partially it's because I really haven't felt like I had anything worthwhile to say.

I'd like nothing more than to be a writer. I think, however, that writing is a gift; and I suspect that my lack of having much to say is a rather brazen indication that I don't have that gift. When I want to, I think I can write well. But there's a difference between writing something well, and having what it takes to "be a writer."

So I'm not a writer. It won't stop me from writing on my blog when the mood hits.

The past months have been nuts. First of all there’s my job. The big problem from the perspective of spending time writing posts for my blog, when it comes to my job, is that, well, I have one. When I first started posting to this blog back 2004, I had lots of spare time at work. Sometimes, I still do; generally, however, every week gets more and more busy. There’s not a lot to say other than that. Lots of work, less idle time, less blogging.

Add to that the stress that comes from knowing that all this work I do is, eventually going to come to an end. It’s been 11 months since our merger, and I was told then that they’d only be keeping me around for 12 – 18 months. I sort of expect a pink slip any day. That wears at the soul, dragging me down. To make matters worse, I still don’t know what I want to do with myself after I leave. I think to some degree I suffer from a bit of depression.

Then there’s my family. They take a lot of time. Especially my folks. Both of them have Alzheimer’s (I think I’ve written about that before.) Mom is getting pretty close to the end of her life. By that I mean that the prognosis is that she’ll last anywhere from a week to another 3 – 4 years. But mentally, she’s already gone.

Dad, too, is now becoming more pronounced. I’ve had to take over his finances.

If it weren’t for Scott, I suspect I’d feel pretty sorry for myself sometimes, even though I do have my health, with no concerns (other than diabetes, which I keep mostly under control.) But Scott is my surety in troubled times. He’s the bastion of strength I sometimes don’t feel for myself. Scott is the rock of stability, emotional and spiritual, that I cling to when everything seems to crash in upon me, and I feel in danger of washing away into a sea of grief or despair. Scott is, in short, my everything, the stuff which makes me who I am. Without that man, my life would be empty, a shell. Yes, I love him.

And what little time is left after spending my hours at work and hours with my parents is consumed by my commitment to my church. There are times I just want to chuck it all and leave. But after Scott, my friends at church are the next most important thing in my life. Soon, the load there is going to diminish… maybe. We get a new pastor, after floating aimlessly for 2 years without one. Okay, not so aimless. We’ve done pretty well for ourselves, actually. But it still will be a good thing to have ‘someone at the helm’ again!

And when that comes, maybe Scott and I will have time for ourselves again; time to forge an even surer tie between us. And time to work on our house, work that has gone largely undone in the past year because of all the other activities we’ve taken on!