It sure has been a long time since last I wrote. I'm not sure why that is. I think partially it's because I really haven't felt like I had anything worthwhile to say.
I'd like nothing more than to be a writer. I think, however, that writing is a gift; and I suspect that my lack of having much to say is a rather brazen indication that I don't have that gift. When I want to, I think I can write well. But there's a difference between writing something well, and having what it takes to "be a writer."
So I'm not a writer. It won't stop me from writing on my blog when the mood hits.
The past months have been nuts. First of all there’s my job. The big problem from the perspective of spending time writing posts for my blog, when it comes to my job, is that, well, I have one. When I first started posting to this blog back 2004, I had lots of spare time at work. Sometimes, I still do; generally, however, every week gets more and more busy. There’s not a lot to say other than that. Lots of work, less idle time, less blogging.
Add to that the stress that comes from knowing that all this work I do is, eventually going to come to an end. It’s been 11 months since our merger, and I was told then that they’d only be keeping me around for 12 – 18 months. I sort of expect a pink slip any day. That wears at the soul, dragging me down. To make matters worse, I still don’t know what I want to do with myself after I leave. I think to some degree I suffer from a bit of depression.
Then there’s my family. They take a lot of time. Especially my folks. Both of them have Alzheimer’s (I think I’ve written about that before.) Mom is getting pretty close to the end of her life. By that I mean that the prognosis is that she’ll last anywhere from a week to another 3 – 4 years. But mentally, she’s already gone.
Dad, too, is now becoming more pronounced. I’ve had to take over his finances.
If it weren’t for Scott, I suspect I’d feel pretty sorry for myself sometimes, even though I do have my health, with no concerns (other than diabetes, which I keep mostly under control.) But Scott is my surety in troubled times. He’s the bastion of strength I sometimes don’t feel for myself. Scott is the rock of stability, emotional and spiritual, that I cling to when everything seems to crash in upon me, and I feel in danger of washing away into a sea of grief or despair. Scott is, in short, my everything, the stuff which makes me who I am. Without that man, my life would be empty, a shell. Yes, I love him.
And what little time is left after spending my hours at work and hours with my parents is consumed by my commitment to my church. There are times I just want to chuck it all and leave. But after Scott, my friends at church are the next most important thing in my life. Soon, the load there is going to diminish… maybe. We get a new pastor, after floating aimlessly for 2 years without one. Okay, not so aimless. We’ve done pretty well for ourselves, actually. But it still will be a good thing to have ‘someone at the helm’ again!
And when that comes, maybe Scott and I will have time for ourselves again; time to forge an even surer tie between us. And time to work on our house, work that has gone largely undone in the past year because of all the other activities we’ve taken on!
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"Being" a writer takes work and practice, just like any other skill. I know a lot of writers who don't have innate talent, but they have taught themselves to tell a pretty great story. It can be learned, just like playing a musical instrument. True, some just don't have "it," but some do and don't know that they do. And they won't ever know until they try.
ReplyDeleteAs for the job: everything happens for a reason. Just be conscious for the next opportunity...because there's always one there if you know how to see it.
Good luck!