Dipping my toe, testing the water

Hello world.

I know there are thousands and thousands of you just waiting for my return to the blogosphere. I'm sorry to have deprived you myriads of people of my insight and wisdom.

Okay, now that I've exercised my delusions of grandeur, perhaps I can actually write something more based in reality.

Hi, Jeremy. Sorry to have been silent so long! Your email this morning caught my eye, and I responded. But after hitting send, it dawned on me that perhaps in my response was the germ of a new beginning, and I'd plant it here and see if maybe a new creation might appear.

I'm going to start today by just posting what I sent you in email... or at least some of it (slightly edited). And we'll wait to see if any more comes to me.

You asked me how God was moving in my life. I responded thus:

... [F]rankly my friend, I'm not sure that God is. In the months after Mom's dying, I became so focused on Dad and on work and on Scott, that it took me a couple of months to realize that my relationship with God had, for all intents, shrivelled to nothing. By November, I no longer sensed God's presence in my life, nor could I reach out and find that Presence again. Prayer became totally empty for me. It was as if God and I had agreed to leave each other alone... and GOD alone was living up to the bargain.

During this period, I pulled back from all responsibilities in my church, feeling totally burned out on them. In February, I decided to not return to church. By that time, I would come in to church, sit down, and by 3/4 of the way through the service (sometimes by 5 minutes IN to the service) I'd feel such a rage overtaking me. I'd leave in a fury when service ended. I made the decision it was time to not come back until I'd found and defeated the demon in me. Okay, no I'm not saying this in the context of possession.

Now, I'm rooted enough in my faith, and in Christian tradition, and in theology to know that God has never left me in this time. Nor, indeed, had I wandered all that far from God. During this time, I continued to see my Spiritual Director; and my pastor and I get together to discuss theology and "whatever" every month over dinner. In spite of my crisis of faith he kept me close to himself as one of his advisors, and that helped.

Beginning in April, I've begun to come out of this "Dark Night of the Soul". In May, I returned to church (a short absence!) Once I sat down and said "Okay, God, I don't understand what is happening in my life, but I accept your invitation to delve more deeply into the mystery of You," I began to make some minor headway. I've learned that my understanding of the Christian God was insufficient. In fact, I've come to believe that the Christian understanding of God is itself direly flawed. I find myself becoming more and more a disciple of Bishop Spong (though I do have some issues with him).

My pastor and I have begun a series of discussions... we are working our way through the Gospel of Thomas together. And I'm finding in Thomas more of what I believe than I ever did in the Synoptic Gospels or in John, at least in this stage of my life.

I have returned to this blog time and time again, Jeremy. I sit and stare, read old passages; nothing comes to me. I so want to write, but when I sit down to do so... nothing comes.

Well, we'll have to wait and see, my brother, what God has in store. Maybe, just maybe, as the Dark Night gives way to Dawn, the words or the ideas will come to me.